TAILOR-MADE ATTACHMENT PARENTING

Discovering What is Best for YOUR family

If you're a parent or soon-to-be parent and reading all this stuff on attachment parenting is making you feel frustrated, mad, sad, or guilty, STOP. Take a deep breath.

I admit that I have never read any of Dr. William Sears' books. In fact, I have never read any "parenting" books (don't have the time!). The only baby-related books I've read are What to Expect When You're Expecting, What to Expect the First Year, Supernatural Childbirth, and La Leche League's The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, and it's taken me nine years to read just those. I only recently even heard of attachment parenting. It happens that with my most recent baby I have been practicing a lot of attachment parenting instinctively, without even realizing it was like a subculture with a name and everything.

It is important for me to tell you that my style of attachment parenting is tailor-made to work in my particular family with its particular members. I don't do things EXACTLY the way Dr. Sears says to do them, or exactly the way anyone else says to. I do what seems to achieve the happiest, most content baby with respect for myself, my husband, and the older siblings.

Breastfeeding, in my humble opinion, is the most non-negotiable of "attachment parenting" practices. But I am committed and privileged to be home full-time with my baby, which makes nursing infinitely easier than when holding a job outside the home. I nursed my first two sons, but not long after I returned to my full-time cashier position. I like to think that if I had to do it over again, I would be persistent and nurse in spite of the many obstacles. But I didn't know then what I know now, I didn't know there was support available, like I do now, and I didn't trust myself then to know how to mother intuitively, like I trust myself now. Breastfeeding is God's provision for our babies. We have no right to interfere with that. If there is ANY WAY you can breastfeed, do it. And if you can, nurse until your child wants to stop. If you CAN continue nursing, there is no good reason for you to cut her off. When mothers initiate weaning, the decision is almost always centered around what the mother (or father) wants and not around what the baby wants or needs.

When my first two sons were born, no one around me at that time was saying that I should or could bring my baby to bed with me. If it occurred to me to share my bed beyond the first couple of weeks, I did not have the confidence to do it just because it seemed right to me. I did what I was told to do, and that was to put baby in his crib and let him cry himself to sleep, if need be. Both of my boys survived that experience and seem okay, but I wonder, for instance, if my middle son would be less fearful if I had nursed him to sleep at night and cradled him protectively against my body. I wonder if my oldest son would have more confidence in social situations if he'd not been forced into solitude and independence so early.

It DID occur to me to keep my third son in my bed. Actually, it is my husband that gets the credit. I was thinking to do what I had done before, but he said he had heard that keeping the baby in bed with the parents was good for the baby, and had always wanted to try it. Baby Tyler was only a week old or so at the time, and had spent every night next to us thus far, so we just kept on going with it. Initially I had imagined we would do it for just a little while, but it was so enjoyable for everyone involved we didn't want it to end. At one point, pressure from the "old school of thought" prompted us to try kicking Tyler out of our bed--ostensibly for everyone's good. The frantic crying spells tore at my heart so much I could not bear it, and soon Tyler was back in our bed for good--no looking back. Since Ty is still an infant, I don't yet know how he will be impacted by the higher level of nurturing he is receiving. Time will tell.

But that is MY baby. Co-sleeping suits HIS temperament and is delightful for both my husband and I. I have no idea what it would be like if bed sharing had an element that cost one or more of us sleep. I am sure in some families that is definitely the case. Don't feel bad if you try co-sleeping and it just doesn't work (or if you resort to a modified version of the family bed, like many families do). It just might be that you will be a better, more rested parent, have a more rested spouse, and thus a better loved child if you don't share a bed.

I might add that Tyler does nap in a crib during the day. When I have the time and am tired or Tyler seems to need some intensive cuddling, I will take a nap with him in our big bed, but the rest of the time he either sleeps in my lap or I nurse him and put him in his napping crib after he's fallen to sleep. Up until recently he also took some naps in his infant car seat and in his swing. These things have all worked great for us. The main thing is that I honor my son's needs and preferences, which change sometimes daily, and I don't force the issue. If he cries in his crib, I try something else until I find what works. Sometimes he just needs to nurse again, maybe just for a few minutes. Other times getting him up to play, walk, or socialize, and waiting another 20 minutes does the trick, and what didn't work before suddenly does. And sometimes, though I make it as rare as humanly possible, I have had to let him cry for a little bit...such as when he is tired but won't fall asleep but I just simply MUST get in the shower becaues I have to be somewhere. It doesn't make me a bad parent when I do what I have to do. What makes me a GREAT parent is that I take care of my baby as best as I can at any given moment, and I do whatever I can to minimize his physical or emotional discomfort while maximizing his peace and joy in life. Love, attention, and having his needs met are what makes him happy. And as they say, a baby's wants are his needs!

I have practiced "baby wearing" with all of my children, particulary my newest. But I don't, as one source suggests, wear him all day long. I wear him intermittently, and find it a valuable tool for keeping him peaceful, entertained, and happy while I get necessary things done. My baby also plays on the floor, sits in his saucer and plays, and swings in a swing. I also tend to favor the backpack over the sling and Snuggly (front pack)--I use all three--which is backward according to one babywearing author. But Tyler loves the backpack, and I find it more comfortable and easier to work in with him on my back as opposed to my front. We use the sling primarily for nursing in public and my husband likes to carry him in it when we are at church visiting with people after service. The Snuggly was essential up until Ty's neck was strong enough to handle riding in the backpack. He's pretty much outgrown the Snuggly now. I do own a stroller and I use it. Not a lot, but sometimes it is the best choice for us. It just depends on the players and the situation.

I don't let my baby just cry and cry. Three to five minutes is about my limit, if that. I pick him up, nurse him, or otherwise tend to his needs as soon as I can, most often immediately. Only in those rare instances, when for some reason I just can't go to him, do I let him cry. And during those times, if I can, I try to talk or sing to him so he can hear my voice and be assured of my continued presence and soon-coming attention. When I take him to the nursery at church, I instruct the care-givers to allow him to cry no more than three minutes before coming to get me or my husband. Sometimes he just is not happy in the nursery, and that's okay. We deal with it. Other times he's happier than a clam playing in there, at least for part of a service, and then my husband and I can focus in more on the Word during that time. My hubby and I take turns walking with the baby and playing with him in the foyer when he disrupts service with his play and babbling. I also think nothing of cuddling him in the sling and hushing his hunger cries with my breast while we sit and listen to Pastor.

Only briefly will I touch on discipline, as it is a vast and controversial subject. Let me just say that I believe discipline should be "goal oriented." Ask yourself what you are trying to accomplish with the discipline. (Hint: It's not for relieving built-up pressure in the parent!) In the case of babies the number one concern or goal is usually to ensure safety. Next, we want to discourage bad habits and behaviors and encourage good ones. Meeting these goals will require both firmness and love (Setting a good example is also a good idea!). I have three sons, and they are all different from each other. As with most everything else in attachment parenting, I have found that discipline must also be "tailor-made". It is absolutely necessary to study your child and learn everything you can about him or her. What produces wonderful results with one child often won't with the next. Make it one of your life's endeavors to find out what makes your child smile and laugh. Hug, kiss, caress, hold, talk to, sing to, and play with your baby--A LOT! Find out what makes him feel safe and secure. Notice what makes him feel sad, mad, confused, afraid, and rejected. Make a mental note of how he responds to reward and punishment, warning and encouragement, rules and liberty, structure and surprise. Develop a tailor-made disciplinary style that guides your child into maturity, responsibility, and right relationships with others. Your child should never ever have to doubt your love in the process. Forgive offenses quickly. Express your forgiveness and acceptance verbally, with "love touches" (kisses, hugs, pats, rubs, etc.) and with resumption of normal behaviors and interaction. Also, apologize and admit you're wrong when you blow it with your child. Even when babies are very young, I think this is a good habit to get into. They may not understand your words yet, but they will pick up on your tone of voice, your gestures, your facial expressions and the general spirit about you. Communication is so much more than words! Love without works is dead. By all means, say "I love you!" But you need to show it too. Show it constantly.

One more thing, although selflessness is an oft-touted characteristic of good parenting, a parent whose own needs are never met cannot tend to the needs of a baby very well. Your rest, your quiet time, your need for diversion and enjoyment in life, and your sanity and peace of mind are important, too. If you deny your needs to the point of self-destruction, you will likely yell too much, cry often or be emotionally stiff, over- or under-react, become depressed, make poor decisions, etc. This will impact your baby! By all means, seek to find a balance in taking good care of your baby (as well as the rest of your family) and yourself. A physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy parent is a good parent. I now this is hopelessly subjective, so pray and seek God's wisdom if you do not know where that balance is.

I hope by sharing my ever-abundant opinions and experiences I have alleviated any grief over not adhering to attachment parenting practices to the letter. My goal in creating this section of my website is to offer good ideas for you to consider, not to put you in bondage to a rigid set of rules and musts. I think it is safe to say that a "bad parent" wouldn't take the time to even read these pages. You're here because you care. God put it in you to have a pretty good understanding of how to love and take care of your children. If nothing else, listen to the voice of your inner man more. Pray and ask for the Holy Spirit's guidance. If the desire is there, anyone can be an awesome parent.

The keys are awareness and love.

Nutrition for Babies