MY STORY - Part 3

 

I was touched by the supernatural again in 1991, a couple months after I became pregnant with my first child. Terrified of hurting my baby with my throwing up all the time, I cried out to God to help me. Shortly after, the purging almost completely ended.

Even so, the bingeing continued. I struggled with being angry at God. I knew better, but I wasn't sure who else to blame. After all, I thought, couldn't he just "zap" me like before? Wasn't it obvious to Him that I'd done all I could do and still failed?

I had started getting serious about changing my eating habits, educating myself about nutrition and natural foods. Since I was eating very well between binges, I rarely was more than 20 pounds overweight at any given time. People were shocked to learn how upset I was about my eating in light of my "normal" weight.

But the sin of gluttony isn't about weight or fat, it's about eating too much, it's about indulgence, and lust, and selfishness. And I knew I had plenty of that going on in my life. I became convinced that my war was with my flesh and its love affair with the sin of gluttony. Not a popular notion, even in Christian circles, I found many people more than ready to give me other, more superficial excuses.

As time went on, I became suspicious of psychology. My life was testimony enough that at least in my circumstances psychology was wimpy and powerless. I knew what to do, but had no strength to do it. And that had always been the problem.

My last episode with Christian/psychological counseling was unsatisfying. My counselor prayed before and after each session, but she was unable to answer pressing questions I had about God and the teaching of the Bible. Something inside me was telling me that my problem was spiritual and demanded a spiritual solution, but I didn't know where to get it.

One day, while walking through a Christian bookstore, a book caught my eye called "PsychoBabble," by Richard Ganz. I looked at the cover and discovered it was about the Bible versus psychology, which intrigued me. I resisted buying it that day, but went back for it later. I loved the book. Something sparked in me, and my whole way of thinking about counseling and recovery began to radically change. Then I picked up a book that had been collecting dust on my shelf for a few years called "Competent to Counsel," by Jay Adams. I still haven't finished that book (it's big), but what I read initially excited me so much, and I've never been the same. Passages in the Bible began to leap off the pages to me in a way they never had before.

That brings me to the neighborhood of 1994. Since then, since I abandoned the worldly wisdom of psychology and started applying the Word of God to specifically include the eating area of my life, I have drastically changed. Today, in 2000, I walk in a lot more self-control. I eat with purpose, I exercise with purpose, I try to do everything with an awareness of God and His call on my life. Perhaps the most incredible thing is that my attitude and emotional state are not plummeted to the utter depths when I occasionally blow it with food. I know my God, and I know where I'm going. When Jesus told His disciples to get into the boat, He told them they were going to the other side. Even when a storm arose Jesus didn't falter, because He knew He and His loved ones would make it to the shore. There was no doubt in His mind, no fear. My boat is in the Lord's hand, and I know that He leads those who trust Him safely to the other side. If you will put your trust in God and let the power of Jesus into your life, you will get there too.

I could share with you the details of the many awesome insights and revelations I've received from the Lord since I began seeking Him alone with my whole heart, but I would probably have to chuck this article and just write a book! Not only that, but digging into God is something you need to do for yourself. Everyone is unique, and God will reveal to you down to the smallest intricacies exactly what you need to know about yourself and what makes you tick, and about His Word. But I will say this: developing your "inner man", absorbing and doing the Word is the key. The Bible teaches that a person "cleanses his way" by taking heed and keeping watch over himself according to the Word of God (Psalm 119:9). A couple verses later, the writer declares, "I have hidden Your Word in my heart, that I might not sin against you" (Psalm 119:11). Also in Psalms, we read that God sent His Word to deliver people from the things that destroy them (vs. 107:20). The Bible is not just black and red words on white pages'no, the Word is different from any other book you can ever read. The Word of God is living and active (Heb. 4:12), it has the power to change hearts when someone believes and receives it and then acts on it.

One more thing, if your reason for quitting your disorder is to look good or to please someone else, even yourself, there's more than a good chance you will fail. That incentive was never strong enough for me, at least. Some people, by sheer willpower, do seemingly get victory over eating disorder behavior, but they maintain it at great pains and mental agony, or else that old sinful nature just finds some other way to express itself. You've heard of people trading one addiction for another? When you grow and develop you inner spiritual man, you eventually come to a place when your aim is to please God and your love for righteousness is stronger than your love for sin, and then, by the power and grace of God, you win!
 

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