SLEEPING WITH BABY

The Family Bed

As the mother of a new baby (my fourth child), there are three things I am passionate about with regard to mothering. One is staying home with my baby, another is breastfeeding, and the third is having baby sleep in bed with Daddy and me.

I lost my third baby, I'Leia, to miscarriage. But that is another story. My first two babies, both sons, were breastfed, but only for a few months (3 and 4, respectively). I also returned to full-time work after the typical maternity leave. And they only slept in bed with Daddy and me for the first couple of weeks, after which I trained them to sleep in a crib.

Oh if I could go back and do things differently!

I am not sure why, but I approached this latest pregnancy, birth, and motherhood differently than previous ones. Perhaps it is because I am older and wiser. This time I stayed in my aerobics class throughout my entire pregnancy. This time I did a water birth. This time I stayed at home (I was already staying-at-home/working- from-home with my older boys). This time I decided to breastfeed no matter what, for as long as my precious son wants to. And this time I decided that my baby would sleep with Daddy and me in a Family Bed.

The Family Bed wasn't a decision made before hand. It evolved. We naturally kept Tyler in bed with us for the first few days after he came home. It was marvelously easy (and no crying!) to nurse him in the night that way, although initially we still sometimes got up out of bed so that he would stay awake to eat. Days turned into weeks. My husband, who has grown children from a previous marriage, confided that he had always wanted to keep baby in bed (but the mother did not agree) because he heard that it was good for the baby. Well now, I believe that if a father shows strong interest in or has an opinion regarding his baby, that needs to be encouraged by his wife. I very much wanted to fulfill this longing in him with my cooperation, and besides sleeping with Tyler was something everyone seemed to be enjoying.

But I had a couple misgivings.

This wasn't helped when I went to Ty's third month appointment and was given some literature to read during the wait. According to the author, I was doing several things wrong, including letting Tyler sleep in our bed. Prior to that I had read somewhere that the longer a baby shared his parents' bed, the greater the battle would be later on when the parents put baby in his crib, and now this new literature confirmed it. It seemed the author had concluded that it was better to not have baby in the parental bed at all in order to avoid that whole transitional scene.

Twice I experimented with putting Tyler to bed at night by himself in his crib. He cried. And cried. And cried. I checked him every 15 minutes, stroked his cheek and murmured to him reassuringly, and returned to work in my office. But the baby monitor made it crystal clear that my sweet pumpkin was miserable. And I was miserable. And Daddy in the next room was miserable. We all felt bad. I have heard that very young babies do not remember who or what they cannot see, so when Mommy and Daddy leave the room, it is as if they don't exist. How alone in the world babies must feel when they are left to cry by themselves in a crib! How terrifying that must be! I knew my son would be completely content and comforted if he could go to bed in his bed (my bed) listen to soothing music, cuddle up to his warm, soft Mommy, and nurse to sleep. Like always. Like the first night after he was born, and every night since. What was so bad about that?

After 2 hours of listening to his frantic sobbing, I gathered my sweaty, distraught infant into my arms and climbed into my bed with him. He clung to me tightly as if for dear life, and after latching on to my familiar nipple, heaved a huge sigh of relief. His whimpers stopped, and in only a few moments his exhaustion gave way to sweet sleep.

It wasn't long after that when I picked up a used copy of "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" by La Leche League. Although I don't agree with absolutely everything in that book (especially with regard to nutrition), many of the philosophies and opinions expressed totally set me free. The section on "The Family Bed" helped me realize that I didn't need to fix something that wasn't broken. Tyler, my husband, and I were deliriously happy sleeping together-why change it? In fact, it is quite natural for infants, children, and parents to sleep together, and it is commonly done in many cultures. It just isn't very American. I'll tell you, American families are missing out!

Tyler is peaceful, happy, and reassured sleeping with his parents. And I'm convinced that it affects his temperament all day long. Daddy is there, playing with his feet, and there are lots of smiles and chortles and twinkling eyes. In the background, Tyler's "night-night music" plays to help create a pleasant atmosphere--it's pleasant for all of us. All night long there is cuddling, hugging, and touching that is deeply meaningful and reinforces our bonding. I never have to get up in the night to check my baby to make sure he's still breathing; I can feel his breath on my chest and the warmth of his body nestled against mine. Tyler rouses briefly several times a night, just to snuggle and nurse for a few minutes before we both fall back asleep in each other's arms. I call it "sleeping through the night", since we are actually awake so little. I can't imagine having settled for so much less than this with previous babies, scraping myself out of bed to rescue a screaming tot from a crib, and struggling to keep my eyes open long enough to nurse, and then praying the baby would go back to sleep. I woke up each morning utterly exhausted. This way, the first thing I see in the morning is my baby's sunny smile, and he squeals with delight when I finally open my eyes and he sees I'm awake. I imagine that when he wakes, he just stares at my face, earnestly waiting for that moment to arrive. What a love affair we are having! I wouldn't trade this experience for the world.

It makes me sad to know that I live in a country where it is the norm for babies to wake up crying in terror at being alone, not knowing where Mommy is. My baby wakes up talking, cooing, and smiling because he knows exactly where his Mommy is. He plays with my face and hair, tugs at my clothes, and if he's fortunate enough to find an exposed nipple, he helps himself to a little sunrise snack. He is so peaceful and secure in his life that he hardly cries at all, ever.

So I am now relaxed about the Family Bed issue, as well as other child-rearing matters, and imagine Tyler will be sleeping with us for some time to come. Although our King-size bed isn't big enough to accommodate all 5 of us comfortably through the night, I have encouraged my two older sons to start crawling in bed with us again when they wake up in the morning. Tyler derives much pleasure from seeing his parents and brothers all together, and delights in the attention and play he receives from each one. What a way to start the day!

If you have a baby or are about to have a baby, or if you have any small children, I encourage you to consider establishing a Family Bed. Sleeping together is a joyful, peaceful, and loving experience you don't have to miss. Don't worry about what other people will think! Don't worry about sex with your spouse (with a little creativity, you'll figure out how to keep that relationship in tact). Don't worry about battles of the will you don't have to have with your child. Your child will let you know when he is confident and mature enough to sleep in his own bed without fear or torment. He won't sleep in your bed forever! You can trust your baby's cues and the leading of your parental heart.

Now it is understood that a family bed does not work for every family for various reasons. Regardless of what sleeping arrangement you choose--love, nurture, and enjoy your baby!

NATURAL NUTRITION DIRECTORY